A few years later, my diagnosis was changed from bipolar disorder to cyclical depression, ADHD, and anxiety. And that fits much better and the medications I'm on now treat those and those only. No mood stabilizers and sedatives and anti-psychotics. Those all made me feel numb. I rather feel sad than nothing at all.
I know you were talking about more than just anti-depressants, but I hear the "it makes me feel numb" thing about antidepressants quite a bit. It makes me wonder if my apathetic nature is due to the ones I'm on.
Not that I can drop them, though--I'm really on them due to their effects on dulling my autism. Without them, I have meltdowns and get bothered by sensory things more.
Some of the anti-depressants they had tried on me made me feel numb, too. I'm on Celexa right now and figuring out if I like it or not. I may not be so down in the dumps all the time, but I also don't feel super happy or anything. I'm pretty apathetic and kind of irritable lately. But idk if that's the meds not entirely working yet or not.
I have found that thankfulness helps a lot with my depression. If I start feeling down in the dumps and make myself list 5 things that I am thankful for picks me right up. I am not into journals. If I don't like how I am feeling, writing about it make me feel it all the more, but keeping a thankfulness journal is really kind of cool.
Also since depression makes us turn inside ourselves and makes us want to isolate, I have make myself go see a friend for just an hour or so to improve my mood. Helping people also really improves my mood, but I never know who could use a hand if I am isolating. So seeing a friend often gives me a chance to give them a hand in some small way.
Jazz 🎧 , i hit where you are now when i was 13 and i feel you so hard. that was 7 years ago now. i've been through the system a million times over so hopefully explaining my journey will help you? and not just sound like im talking about myself? idk
i've always been odd and i had a pretty damn awful childhood but i started to really struggle pretty much as soon as i hit puberty, and it's just got progressively worse every year since. i started my journey seeing school counselors, and having someone to talk to i think helped more than anything else, but at the same time it never went anywhere and they never followed up with me; i stopped seeing them and even when i was admitted to them on more than one occasion bawling or having a meltdown they pretty much just waited for me to stop and returned me to class. so basically everything was left to fester. by about 13 1/2 i had... my only way of seeing it really is a breakdown, and that still went unnoticed and lapsed into self harm and depression. only my closest (online) friends knew i was struggling and started suggesting different disorders they thought i had which freaked me out more, to be honest. my parents finally picked up on my struggling when one morning i wouldn't get out of bed. everything came out. at first everyone was super nice. my parents told me they loved me, they would get me through this, even cried. i was taken straight to the doctor's, given a million blood tests and had my self harm wounds assessed, pretty much everyone heard about it within like, a day. people at the local cafe were giving my parents free food to give to me, my friends asked me why i didnt tell them, teachers let me be, everyone was just super shocked and worried and yadayada. it was like i was terminally ill or something. crazy.
so from the doctor's when my bloodtests came back obviously normal i was referred to public mental health. after several sessions, all with my parents in the room, they basically said it was mild depression, released me to see a therapist, who i saw for a few months. i continued to worsen and i'd always had ~some~ hallucinations but they got worse, and so did the paranoia that came with them, and when i vocalised this i was sent straight back to mental health because she pretty much said she was out of her depth. this time they sent me back to mental health they were much more... judgemental? it was around this time i started to suspect something was really wrong, something that definitely didn't feel mild, and when i tried to insist this they pretty much told my parents it was a phase and to just let me be.
i was so betrayed by this (first of all i wasn't even told until after several months i asked why i wasn't seeing anyone anymore) that i avoided help in any way shape or form for the next several years and continued to worsen. any glimpse into my mental health showing to my parents was met with a lot of anger and reprimand, literally at one point for rocking back and forth and being told to stop by my mum (which i said nothing to, just stopped), i caused an argument between my parents that ended up redirected at me and im still blamed to this day for almost breaking up their marriage. my dad said at one point that he knew some maori guy who beat their child when they talked about hallucinating and they never heard about it again, and if that was what he needed to do to me. so as you can imagine i stopped showing, saying or mentioning anything to do with how i even felt, let alone my mental health.
so it took another breakdown several years later after i literally tried to elope to australia to get the help i by then desperately needed for my parents to once again ~wow shock and surprise~ realize something was wrong. my hysterics at this point i guess were pretty convincing and they found me the best teenage psychologist they could. i was around 16 by then.
i saw her for a few years, she was a nice lady but she was more of a life counselor than a head counselor? which honestly retrospectively was never going to be helpful because it was seldom issues with life itself that i struggled with so much as my own head. i'd tried from relatively early on to say to dad i didn't think she was right for me but was met with a pretty solid wall of resistance at the mere idea of changing psychs. she also met any idea of diagnosis with a lot of resistance, and was pretty begrudging to give even a vague diagnosis of anxiety and ptsd, and any attempts to vocalise i didn't feel the diagnosis fit everything that was going on with me were brushed off. after about a year and a half of seeing her every 1-2 weeks and it not helping, i pretty much begged to be on medication. it took a lot of convincing to even get referred to a psychiatrist but i eventually was. i started prozac and the change was instant. i wasn't fixed but i could actually function for the first time since i hit puberty.
still this was only a tiny chip off the block of what was causing issues inside of me, and i inevitably continued to struggle. ive always hit massive ups and downs pretty violently my entire life independent of whatever was going on in my life and that didn't change with the meds. bear in mind there were a few suicide attempts thrown in the mix here too and the self harm was an on and off issue for the entire time too. after about 2 1/2 years i hit a crossroads and decided enough was enough, insisted on going back to public mental health because i just didnt know where else to turn. i was terrified. these were the same people that had thrown me so far off the right track to begin with.
it was the right decision. i've only been back in the public health system about 6 months, and ive been through a billion meds but i finally have working diagnosis and hopefully will find the right medication/s for me too. i'm on the wait list for dbt. i have 3 different lovely people, a doctor, a careworker and a psychologist all working together to help me feel normal again. as it stands im just on prozac again, and i currently have my original diagnosis of anxiety and ptsd, now with a recently diagnosed bpd, and they're assessing me for autism too.
my point in going through all this is; please, please, don't second guess yourself for a second, don't let anybody tell you how you feel and think, you know your own mind better than anyone else. if somebody is rubbing you the wrong way, drop them, and don't blame yourself for it! it already sounded kind of worrying, how you mentioned feelings of judgement and how she just announced the diagnosis at the end of the session and deferred you to someone else, especially while life isn't easy for you at the time being to begin with. never be afraid to seek help, and never be afraid to seek the right help. nobody's going to be your voice except you.
congratulations on getting the confirmation of what you suspected, and taking a step in the right direction. <3 find someone who works well with you and work closely with that person to get to where you want to be. and always remember, brains are assholes. don't blame yourself because yours isn't cooperating. kick ass regardless.
hope this helped at all? and sorry for rambling. tl;dr: trust yourself, not the system, and not those around you. no one knows you like you.
I am going to add to this also late but I wasn't diagnosed with OCD and anxiety until two or some years ago. I actually ended up getting strep throat around the time and the last couple of months after I kind of went downhill and pretty much just laid on the couch crying and not really eating/ doing anything. I started to see a therapist but it got increasing worse and it was around Christmas so I wasn't able to get an appointment with a psychiatrist for like a month or two. I ended up calling a number through one of our local hospitals that was like a blues on call type thing and they suggested going to the ER. I ended up actually going to one of our local psych hospitals and they were able to prescribe me some medicine. To make this story shorter I stayed with my therapist for a while but then she started focusing on things like why my dad (who has some Irish in him) doesn't do anything for St Patricks Day and if I am okay not sitting with my family at dinner time (and to clarify, we all go and eat in our own areas and even likes that haha. These subjects came up every session even though I was having issues with mostly non family related things). So I haven't seen a therapist in a year but I am thinking about going back in a couple of months to someone closer to my age group/ knows what kinds of a things a 28 almost 29/30ish aged person would be focusing on).