Hey yall. I have been previously diagnosed with an array of mental health issues... I have PTSD, OCD, Major Depressive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Anxiety and NOW I'm diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed just before Christmas and I am really, really struggling with it.
It's like, the more I understand about BPD, the angrier it makes me and it becomes counter intuitive. I was wondering if anyone else in the BC had this diagnosis ~ how do you deal with it? Do you take medication for it?
Currently, my psychiatrist wants me to take four hours a week away from my five year old. I am with her 24/7 and I love her. When he told me that, I just bawled in his office. I don't want to be away from her. Sometimes I fear her being away from me is like taking away the glue that holds me together. When she spends the night with my mom, I start having really bad thoughts. Like she's better off without me. So I begin to fantasize about suicide (I've told my psych this!)
The medications I'm currently on are obviously not working. Xanax helps with my panic attacks which are so frequent these days. My daughter tells me, "just breathe" lol <3 My heart <3
I don't have much to say other than I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through, and that the love you have for your daughter is truly a wonderful thing! Stay strong and perhaps in those 4 hours away from her, you can work on the things that make you feel good – hobbies, whatever. Finding happiness in our bonds with others is really important (and not everyone has that, you're lucky to have her and she's lucky to have you), but it's also such a reassuring feeling to know that no matter what, you can always find happiness within yourself as well.
I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling! I don't know if I have any practical advice, but I'm wondering if you had plans for school for her - are you going to send her to public/private school, or planning to homeschool? I have a 5 year old daughter, too. She's the oldest of my littles (my kids are 11, 9, 5, 3, and 1) and I'm dreading her going to school. She's become clingy lately, and I wonder if it's because she knows that now that she's 5, it's almost time to go to school. She's very excited to ride the bus with her big brothers, but we didn't do any preschool so she doesn't have the reference to being away from me for a whole day (other than like spending the weekend at grandma's). I've had homeschooling in my mind as something that we will probably be doing eventually, due to political/societal reasons, but my best friend is a kindergarten teacher, and I wanted my daughter to be able to experience kindergarten with her.
Anyway that is very rambly, but I wondered if you are intending to have your daughter go to school, you know in the back of your mind that the time apart is going to happen soon for that, and maybe the separation due to school feels better than being told by your psych that you need time apart?? Good luck! <3
Hi Angelica! So sorry you’re dealing with this!! I’ve had the same diagnosis for a couple of the disorders you mentioned. I am getting my MA in clinical mental health and also work with children so a lot of this is actually things I’ve worked with families on before. This is actually one of my main goals daily when working with families is to help transition them to school and time apart as many of the parents I work with now are stay at home parents!
I understand why they say to have 4 hours apart and I do wonder if it’s what Trisha mentioned about the fearfulness of sending your child to school of your intent is for them to go to school? Many half day preschool programs are 4 hours long so that number makes sense to me. I see this a lot with my families and we do exercises like having 4 hours apart the length of the class they are transitioning to in our agency to make this transition easier on the parent and just as importantly, easier on the child so they can learn how to be independent and not fearful themselves. I think it’s so amazing you want to be with her! That’s really admirable and awesome you have such a great bond with her! All our babies will leave our lovely little nest whether it’s now or 18 years from now and I do think it’s important that parents and children become comfortable with it as I’ve also been on the other side where children are afraid to leave their parents and spend more time worrying and fearful in school than they are learning, growing, & fostering relationships.
I hope you’re able to get through this soon! I know it’s really such an awful feeling especially combined with other disorders and symptoms you’re struggling with. It’s a tough road, but I think you will get there! ❤️
Wow, wow, wow. I did not expect to get so much love and kindness here. (Part of my problem is believing in not worthy of kindness lol.)
I am planning on sending my daughter to kindergarten in the fall. Preschool is not really an option where I live because of finances. My husband makes just a little too much to be on federal aid, but so little that I can't afford to send her. It's quite a pickle.
I thought of daycare, but I've heard numbers cases locally of violence in daycare. There was even one shut down completely due to an entire staff of molesters.
I'm a rape and sexual assault survive so you can imagine my fear in that regard. I'm really interested in your thoughts, Stormie, on how I can do this transition... My daughter had spent the night at my mother's, but when I'm alone with my thoughts, I really think of how empty I am and worthless I am.
I am not sure where you live, but in Minnesota, the local schools offer classes called ECFE (early childhood family education), which are fun classes for a parent and child to attend together. There's typically time for activities/crafts for the parent & child to do together, songs, story time, and then a short maybe 15-20 minute time where the kids all play with play dough or toys (with teachers supervising them) and the parents go in another room for like a little meeting/sharing time with the parent educator. Sometimes they do it where for the first couple classes, the parents stay in the room, just at a table in the corner or something, so the kids feel more comfortable. Then at future classes, the parents would go into another room, once the kids are used to the idea. Sometimes the classes meet weekly for 6-8 weeks or so, and sometimes they're more of a one night special themed event.
Maybe contact the school you'll be sending her to in the fall and see if they offer anything like that? It would have a lot of positives for both of you, I think! Your daughter would be able to become familiar with the school building & teachers, and maybe meet some kids her age so she'd see a friendly face once kindergarten rolls around, and you'd have baby steps to ease into the separation, plus maybe make some mom friends yourself! ECFE classes are where I met quite a few of my mom friends, like 11 years ago already!
I don't know, that sounds a little more "forward thinking" than my area is.. but maybe I can hit up my second and third moms and see if they have heard about anything. Also, since I'm a ridiculous dollar tree shopper, I could ask the grandmas there when I see them as well!
I’m really sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been diagnosed with BP2 with psychotic features but I believe I have borderline too (it’s actually a really common to have both) Like it’s been said, I think the few hours away might be good for you, for hobbies and some alone time. I get intrusive thoughts and you just have to minimize them, like tell yourself it’s not true and stuff. When you think about Suicide, think about everything you’ll miss out on, the people you’d leave behind and how you’re daughter would actually be without you.
I’m always here if you want to talk! I may have a different diagnosis but I still understand the struggles.
Angelica, I'm glad you're trying your hardest! I think you're doing way better than you're giving yourself credit for! <3 You got this!
I think focusing on positivity in your life is the best thing you can do! All the mamas I work with that struggle with specifically anxiety & depression really focus on the well-being of what is best for their child because that's ultimately what they want. So what we practice is how it would affect their child if they saw their mom have a break down, or if they walked in or found them attempting suicide, or how would their child feel to be motherless the rest of their life. & those thoughts of just wanting their child happy and keeping them happy makes the parents I work with get through the toughest times. Most of the moms I work with have spouses that have been unfaithful, involved in domestic violence or substance abuse. & that has really added to the situation and just being there for their child has helped both the mama and child get through this tough spot in their lives. We also focus on hobbies too! One parent of mine got really involved with video games, another with cooking, another with crocheting. It plays as a great distraction from being away from your child and it can be something that can bring you joy because it's something you enjoy and like doing! I've been very depressed before and it's so hard to get out of bed, go out with friends, or DO things and it boils down to really forcing myself even if I am crying how I don't want to the whole time, once I start doing it, I feel so much better and satisfied after. It's really important to find those things that make you happy and indulge in them!
On what Trisha said with certain preschool programs, I believe every state has something different. My organization has 3 preschool programs based on income per the federal poverty guideline. Head Start, GSRP, & regular preschool. Head Start & GSRP are free if they are meeting or below the income guideline. Head Start is also in every state as they are federally funded. GSRP is my state's state funded program. I believe Ohio has something similar. Also, in my experience even if you are above the income guideline, programs do have spots open for over-income and it never hurts to try!